hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize