I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
