Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
