One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize