I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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