I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
