I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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