Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My feet surprised me
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize