I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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