No stitches, just platelets and will power
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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