Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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