All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
soo... how was my night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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