if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
