I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
