saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
