I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
