Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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