I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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