ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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