Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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