The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
