At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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