Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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