Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
