i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
