Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
