and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize