Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
