Do you still have your period?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
