id be glad to
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
