I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
