When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
