she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
