My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
