got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
