My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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