I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
