the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
