Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
