So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
