Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
