did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
