This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
