she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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