You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
