Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
