How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
