I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
