What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
