I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
