We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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