I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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