At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Found the puke drawer
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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