Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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