dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
