you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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