worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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