Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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