I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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