i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
