That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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