I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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