So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
