I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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