My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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