WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
