hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
