I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
