i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
