I just saw a hot homeless man
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
